Realization, Consideration, Acceptance
by Martini-September
Summary: In the event of Cullen becoming gravely injured, Arian begins contemplating things she never thought possible.
1. Realization

One thing Arian didn't expect when she woke up that morning was to find almost every soldier in the Inquisition running around like their clothes were blazing with fire.

And yet here she stood in front of the Chantry, a half of the recruits and lieutenants all bickering and pointing fingers at one another, while the other half were running in and out of the building in a disorganized frenzy. It was only when Cassandra exited the sanctum with a few saner-looking soldiers did the elf decide to go and investigate, seeing as if she asked anyone she had currently been observing, they'd more than likely begin frothing at the mouth.

"Cassandra? Care to explain what all the turmoil is about?" Arian asked, gesturing to the fuss going on around them as she approached the Seeker. Cassandra excused those accompanying her and turned back to the Herald, her expression somewhat resentful.

"I assume no one woke you to tell you what happened," the Seeker started, a sigh escaping her mouth. "The Commander and a troupe of more seasoned recruits set out to the Exalted Plains yesterday evening and were ambushed by bandits on the main road. One of them, a rogue it would seem, managed to inflict a severe wound to the Commander's side. They were able to make it back here this morning, but Cullen is unresponsive. We think he might've been poisoned by the weapon the rogue used."

Arian could suddenly feel her heart clench in her chest upon hearing the information. _No, it's not possible_ , she thought. Cullen was so determined, so accurate about everything he did. How and why did he manage to get hurt, and so badly at that?

"You're sure he hasn't awoken?" Arian asked, her voice almost betraying the worry she felt.

Cassandra just shook her head, but turned to head back into the Chantry, enticing the elf to follow. "Not since he was brought back here," the other woman explained. "You can see him for yourself if you wish, we have almost every healer present in Haven trying to revive him. If you're worried for him, just know he's been through worse."

Arian swallowed, trying to break down the anxiety nipping at her insides. "I'm not afraid of losing him, I know he can pull through this."

"Let us hope so, I pray we don't lose him to something so simple. He's done wonders for our army in the time he's led them," Cassandra muttered with an edge of confidence to her tone. She turned to head down a specific hallway in the sanctuary, before stopping at a door and opening it slowly. Peaking inside briefly, Arian saw about five healers all kneeling around a cot on the floor, various medicinal vials and containers spread out in different places around them. One turned in alarm to look at the intruders, relaxing only when she saw Cassandra's face.

"Lady Cassandra, we've managed to clean the wound and filter out most of the toxins that were present, but I'm afraid it's going to take a while for him to recover. He's in a comatose state at the moment, but he is stable. For right now he'll just need to rest until we can determine what needs to be done further."

The Seeker nodded in understanding. "Thank you, all of you, for your help. If you'll excuse us, now," she then said, gesturing to the door. The healers all stood, bowing to both Cassandra and Arian briefly before filing out the door one by one. Once they were out of the way, Arian turned her head to view Cullen on the floor and immediately a gasp escaped her mouth.

He was perspiring and dangerously pale, his normally plump cheeks sunken in from the effects of whatever toxin had infiltrated his body. The elf's utter shock must've gotten Cassandra's attention, because when she turned to question the Seeker, she was already staring at her in concern.

"All we can do now is pray and wait," Cassandra said quietly, like she had a response prepared. Walking over to the Commander's side, the woman knelt down and closed her eyes, seemingly going into meditation of the Maker's blessing on the man. Although Arian wasn't devout in the religion of the Chantry, she knew it would provide comfort to Cassandra, and possibly within herself. Therefore she knelt down on the other side of Cullen and bowed her head, praying to whatever gods were listening that he'd make it through this.

Eventually Cassandra left to attend to other duties, leaving the Herald alone with the bedridden man. For a while she just sat in silence, her eyes wandering around the small, dimly-lit room. But try as she may, her gaze always seemed to find its way back to him, even as sickly as he looked at the moment. His eyelashes were so long, the same shade of sandy blonde as his brows, which were thick and set in a determined line even in his sleep. The stubble of his jaw and neck made him look gruff yet gentlemanly, the fullness of his scarred lips looking so sweet and tender in comparison. Even the angled point of his sculpted nose- so...so...

Arian stopped herself with the shake of her head. What in Thedas was she doing? Sure he was handsome but that didn't provide an excuse to ogle over him like some lovesick adolescent. Especially with him being unconscious like this, it just made the whole situation shameful.

Why _was_ she staring at him like this anyway?

As she pondered these things, Cullen began muttering gibberish in his sleep, his head turning this way and that a few times. The muttering evolved into a slight thrashing after a few seconds, one of the Commander's arms flailing out to his side and almost hitting Arian in the face. Unsure of how to react, the elf gently brought her hand to Cullen's cheek, stroking the sweaty skin there a few times with the pad of her thumb and emitting barely audible shushing sounds. To her relief, the man stopped his waking nightmare for a moment, but to her horror his eyelids peeled open instead and then he was looking straight at her with bloodshot eyes.

"Cullen, I-" the elf stuttered. What did you say to a man you had previously been gazing foolishly at like some god?

The Commander blinked a few times, perhaps trying to readjust his vision from the aftereffects of his healing, and then his lips broke into warm smile. Arian's breath hitched as her heart began to thunder beneath her rib cage.

"A-are..." Cullen croaked hoarsely, "Are you...Andraste? Are you here to take me away?"

The Herald just sputtered, unsure of how to respond to such a question. The man was obviously delirious, she could tell him anything in that moment and he'd likely believe it.

"No, Cullen," she answered calmly, her fingers coming up past his forehead to run through the dampened curls of his hair when he looked at her indifferently, "It's me, Arian. The Herald, remember?"

Though he were deeply contemplating what she had just said, the man's brow dipped into a V. Her own brows twisted curiously when his entire demeanor changed in a split second, as he had started to giggle boyishly, not even a single laugh but a continuous string of bubbling chuckles.

"Ohhh, how foolish of meee," he snickered, his head rolling back with laughter. "Of course you're not Andraste! You're far too beautiful to be some _dead_ person," he drawled, his hand flying upward to twirl in the air and then falling back behind his head. Arian gaped at the Commander; she wasn't really sure how to react to what she was currently seeing.

"Cullen, I think you should keep resting," she finally said after she watched him stare cross-eyed at his own nose for almost a minute. He broke his concentration to look back at her, his previous smile morphing into a disheartening frown.

"Are you tired of me?" He asked sadly, his hand reaching up to cover the smaller one she still had tangled in his hair. Despite her effort to remain steadfast the elf just gawked at him, before mentally slapping herself and briskly negating her head in response. Cullen sighed, dropping his hand and turning away from her like she had wounded him.

"It's okay," he murmured, his eyes drooping suddenly. "I suppose I deserve it..."

"Cullen what do you-" but before she could finish her question he was snoring lightly, his eyes completely shut once more.

Arian let out the breath she didn't realize was trapped in her lungs and stood to her feet, perhaps much quicker than she intended. She needed to leave before her cheeks flushed so red they turned purple. Stepping outside of the room, she swiftly found her way outside of the Chantry, the cool snowy air immediately bringing her much-needed relief.

As her back rested against the doors to the building and she tried to remind herself to _breathe,_ the comments the Commander had said in his deluded state, as well as the little thoughts that had rushed through her mind while she had watched him sleep plagued her in a routinely fashion. Groaning, she slapped a hand to her forehead, hoping perhaps that it would physically snap her out of what she indeed knew she was beginning to experience.

"You can't fall for him," she protested aloud in a harsh whisper, "We're at war, he's a _human_ of higher class, Commander of an entire army, those alone should be reasons why this _can't_ happen!" Yet still, as she tried to talk herself out of it the mental image of the Ex-Templar laying there on his cot, looking up into her eyes like he was unworthy of her very presence continued to burn into her memory. Also even if he had been under the influence of the poison, those kinds of words he had said didn't just spill from someone's lips without reason!

She sighed then, deep and determined.

"It's hopeless, Arian," she finally told herself, kicking a rock at her feet into a pile of snow nearby. "He was just delusional. And you're Dalish. A...a _knife-ear._ It will _never_ happen."


	2. Consideration

It was hard to get a good view of the man when soldiers were constantly blocking her view as they shifted around the training yard.

Cullen had recovered, for the most part anyway. He'd been reduced to walking around with a crutch which he had initially complained about, but had returned to his commanding duties as soon as Cassandra and Leliana had permitted him, regardless. At the moment he stood in his usual spot near the soldiers' encampment, watching the recruits slash and block each other with a focused scowl on his face.

The day had been slow thus far, and Arian found herself standing near the stables watching the Commander as he coached his men, a distant look in her indigo eyes. So far as he'd been functioning once more, he hadn't brought up the little incident that had happened between them, which led her to believe he likely didn't remember any of it. It was probably for the best anyway, she didn't want to fuel the lingering thoughts that wouldn't leave her alone.

Yet here she was, watching him from afar like a fair maiden in some bullshit romance novel Varric might be responsible for. This wasn't a novel though, this was reality. The odds of him returning her affections, riding in on a valiant steed and sweeping her off her feet were a thousand to one.

But…there was always that one little possibility, right?

"I think this is the third time this week I've caught you out here," a gruff voice said from behind her. Arian quickly turned in alarm to find the Iron Bull standing there, looking down at her with an amused expression.

"Bull, I-I…" Arian uttered, then groaned. She'd been found out.

Bull just chuckled, leaning over and putting his arm around the elf's shoulder. "It's alright, Cupcake. We've all been in your situation before; fawning over someone from a distance, not really sure how they feel about you in turn."

Arian scoffed, shaking her head. "And how could you possibly know that that's what I'm doing?"

Bull shrugged. "I know people, Cupcake. You have to learn to read actions when people don't speak aloud under the Qun. It hasn't proven un-useful thus far. And I know for a fact that you wouldn't be standing out here looking in that direction everyday if there wasn't some deeper meaning behind it. You don't seem like the type to just watch soldiers spar."

The elf sighed, turning her head slightly to see Cullen hobbling over to a pair of recruits and fixing their hold on their shields. A small smile came to her lips. He was so helpful, even in his condition.

"Now to just figure out who it is you've got your eyes on…" she heard Bull say intriguingly, and froze. There weren't very many guesses as to who it could be.

"You don't pay much attention to any of the soldiers, even when they are sparring. You don't seem to be interested in Cassandra, in fact I think you're far more scared of her than anything. It's okay, I am too. That only leaves one person…" Bull smirked knowingly, tapping a finger to his chin.

Arian huffed, crossing her arms. "Yes, okay? I…I have affections for the Commander; what of it?" The Qunari laughed, a hearty guffaw that nearly shook the ground.

"Nothing's wrong with it! It's actually really cute. The question I have instead is _why_ you haven't pursued it."

The woman hesitated, looking downward at her feet and shuffling them a bit. "It's…I mean just look at him, Bull. What would he want with someone like me?"

"Oh, c'mon now, Cupcake. You can't be serious. I think he'd be lucky to have you. Hell knows it'd probably take that stick out of his ass," Bull replied with a snort.

Arian rolled her eyes, before something interesting in her peripheral view caught her attention. Standing next to some of the tents about twenty feet away were a group of human women, about four of them, all whispering and giggling; _all_ looking straight at Cullen, who was speaking with one of his lieutenants. Immediately the Herald felt her teeth clench.

Bull seemed to have noticed this as well. "Looks like you've got some competition," he stated obviously.

Arian grunted, turning her head in anger. "They can have him. He'd probably be better off with one of them, anyway," she spat.

"Why? Because they have bigger tits? C'mon now, Cupcake, don't talk like that. I guarantee Cullen isn't just looking for a pretty face to keep his bed warm-" this caused Arian to shoot him a deadly glare, "N-not that you're not pretty!" he countered, waving his hands nervously. "What I mean is: he's more than likely looking for someone he has a deeper connection with, not just a physical fling."

"Let me guess; _you can read him_ ," the elf drawled as she watched one of the women walk by Cullen flauntingly, hips swaying and everything. The Commander cast her a quick glance, but his attention swiftly returned to his lieutenant instead.

"Yes, I can." Bull responded. "Cullen seems to be the kind of man who's after something permanent; he wants stability in a relationship. You can offer that for him, whereas someone like that ditz over there that keeps trying to get his attention has no chance."

"You seem to keep overlooking a key difference between me and them, though," Arian stated frustratingly whilst gesturing to her ears. Bull cocked a brow at her, then sighed.

"Do you really think him so shallow?" he asked, almost disappointingly.

The Herald frowned, her eyes glancing once again to the Commander who was, surprisingly, looking in their direction. Her breath hitched, and she swore she saw a slight rise in the corner of his mouth. Flustered, she turned away quickly.

"I-I…" she whispered, then swallowed. "I suppose not."

"Well then, there should be nothing stopping you," the Qunari concluded. "Trust me when I say, Cullen would be an idiot if he didn't consider having you. I mean I'd love to have you for myself, honestly. But you're far too delicate for my, ahem, _preferences_."

Arian snorted, shaking her head hopelessly. "Thank you for this, Bull," she then said, gratefully.

With a wink, he replied, "Anytime, Cupcake."

* * *

Cassandra had approached her later that week, and they were to seal the Breach _tomorrow_.

This was probably the reason why Arian couldn't sleep, no matter what position her body contorted into. She hadn't really been thinking of the moment that she and the mages they had recruited would actually close the hole in the sky, her thoughts usually set on which areas of Thedas would be claimed for the Inquisition that week; as well as her personal situation that she had yet to resolve.

Letting out a grunt, the elf sat up in her bed and combed her fingers through her hair a few times. Quietly she stood to her feet, making sure not to make any prompting noises for Leliana – who slept in the bed opposite with a blade under her pillow, to have any reason to attack her suddenly. Wrapping a blanket around her shoulders, she exited the small house she and the other woman shared, stepping out into the dark, chilly night.

There wasn't a soul present, save for a few soldiers who were sitting around a campfire near one of the tents set up in the village. Arian took in a deep breath, letting the frosty air fill her nostrils, providing a sort of soothing for her inner anxiety. This wasn't the first time she had done this, it likely wouldn't be the last. With all the fuss about her being Herald, sometimes she just needed to slip away, have a moment for herself to situate her thoughts.

Looking up, she smiled when she noticed the stars twinkling overhead. Such was one thing she had come to appreciate about Haven, how clear the sky was. It reminded her of the spots her clan always chose to camp in - open forests with a breathtaking view of the constellations spread across the heavens at night.

"Out in the freezing cold of Haven in the middle of the night without even a cloak to shield you. You must have desire for a fever, Herald," she heard someone say. Arian looked to her right and saw Cullen standing nearby, one of his brows turned upward in curiosity. If people didn't like materializing out of nowhere to interact with her...

"Cullen!" she gasped, tugging more at the blanket to ensure her nightdress remained covered. "W-what are you doing out here so late?"

The Commander scoffed as he approached her further. "I could ask you the same thing. At least I'm not going to freeze to death. Shouldn't you be resting up for the big day tomorrow?"

She sighed, shaking her head. "I suppose nerves are preventing me from such."

"Can't blame you there," Cullen replied. "We have faith in you though. Even if you did decide to bring in the mages to help, I don't doubt your capability."

She laughed. "Still uptight about that decision, hm?"

The man shrugged, shifting his weight to one hip as he crossed his arms. "Not necessarily, I just hope it wasn't a mistake. I don't doubt the mages' abilities to get the job done, I just don't know what will happen if their magic happens to backfire."

Arian placed a hand on his arm confidently. "There's always a possibility for failure, Cullen," she said to him slowly, "We shouldn't just hold the mages to that blame automatically." He turned his eyes to where her hand rested, his eyelids lowering a bit.

"I know that. And I'm trying, I really am. It's just…hard, to think otherwise after, well, everything."

She could understand that. After all, the man had seen his fair share of the misuses of magic in his lifetime. Even so, the choice to allow the mages to join their cause seemed like the wiser decision in the long-run in comparison to the Templars.

"You know, I don't think I've ever seen you with your hair down," Cullen stated out of nowhere.

Arian hummed a laugh, her hands tousling her wheat-colored locks subconsciously. "What of it?" she asked. "It's a bit hard to sleep with it all tied up and such."

"It's…lovely," he told her quietly, his hands fidgeting with the hilt of his sword. Arian could feel her cheeks burn as she looked at him in surprise. Hopefully he didn't notice in the poor lighting.

"I…" she breathed, then swallowed. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. He took a deep breath then, the exhale that followed leaving a visible white puff in the air. "We, um…w-we should probably turn in for the night. So we're not, you know, dragging tomorrow," he then stammered with a cough.

"Good idea," Arian replied in amusement, tucking some hair that fell over her shoulder behind her ear. "I feel like my feet might freeze to the ground soon if I don't move."

The Commander chuckled. "Well, we wouldn't want that to happen, now would we? You're the leading force in our strategy, after all," he joked, albeit reassuringly. "Sleep well, Arian."

She felt a particular warmth at the sound of her name from his lips; it was the first time she had ever heard him say it, and he spoke it so…tenderly.

"Goodnight, Cullen," Arian responded softly, turning away from him to head back to her bed.

Giddy, girlish laughter could be heard traveling throughout the silent air of Haven. The Herald wouldn't have been shocked in the slightest if it took magic itself to remove the wide grin she was sure was currently plastered to her cheeks.


	3. Acceptance

Cullen hadn't spoken to her directly since their occupation of Skyhold, and it worried her gravely.

Their escape from Haven had cut too close for her liking, the entire area now buried under at least thirty feet of snow. She had been the last one to make it out of the village after delaying the bastard Corypheus, and thankfully the Inquisition had managed to find her half-frozen in the icy wilderness but a day later. Now it had been almost three weeks since the organization's arrival at the massive fortress, and she had been named Inquisitor to the cause, and still Cullen wouldn't even look at her.

Immediately the worst came to mind: perhaps he had found someone better, perhaps her new title brought an intimidation he couldn't spare to quash, whatever the reason it left her restless. Half of her wanted to go up to the man and demand what his problem was, especially after their last conversation the night before they had closed the Breach. The other half wanted to remain silent, thinking it better if the two just stuck to their duty without distractions.

Knowing it would probably be better if she had a little help, she went to Dorian, who at this point was as well aware as Bull about her situation.

"I'm afraid I'm not professional at these things, Cupcake," he told her when she approached him one afternoon. She had interrupted his reading of a specific book about Tevinter history, so it came as no surprise that his attitude was a bit snippety.

"You hang around him all the time though, Dorian. He hasn't mentioned anything about me or why I've suddenly become like the bloody Blight in his eyes?" Arian asked desperately.

Dorian let out a dramatic sigh, turning away from her to browse the selections in the bookshelf near his reading spot. "We play chess, Inquisitor. That hardly provides for a deep discussion. And no, he hasn't mentioned you aside from when you trekked the Western Approach for the soldiers a week back."

Arian sadly looked away, her heart slowly crushing beneath her chest. "Perhaps I was right then," she whispered, rubbing her arm. "Maybe he has found someone else."

"Pfft," Dorian sputtered, poking a finger at a specific title. "As if."

Arian glanced at him from the corner of her eye. "What do you mean?"

"Just because he hasn't talked about you doesn't mean he isn't in the same exact dilemma you're in at the moment," the magister replied, as if what he had said were blatantly obvious.

The elf twisted her head to look at him directly. "I'm not following," she said quietly.

Dorian groaned frustratingly, turning to face her with his arms thrown outward. "The Commander _adores_ you! My word, are you that blind, girl?"

She jerked back a bit at his outburst, her brows knitting together simultaneously. "How do you know?" she asked with a tone of doubt. The man didn't answer at first, instead moseying over to his chair and roughly sitting down, his legs crossing at the same time his arms did.

"Whenever he moves about the stone walls, his eyes are always wandering around, like he's looking for something lost to most. Then he sees you, and he can't look away. He watches you longingly like you're some forbidden fruit he hopes to taste - yet can't seem to get a single bite."

Arian just narrowed her eyes at him in reply. "You got that from one of Varric's books, didn't you?" she said pointedly.

Dorian looked simply offended. "What, me?" he responded in feigned innocence, his hand flying over his heart though he'd been accused of some crime. "What an absurd thought!" his gaze quickly turned serious then as he bent his torso forward, his arms coming to rest on his knees. "All I'm saying, Arian, is that the man does care about you, if his little gestures and looks say anything. The reason he refuses to face you is because you terrified him at Haven. He doesn't want to get too close in fear that he may lose you again."

The Inquisitor was completely speechless. Blinking a few times, she looked downward at her hands, then toward Cullen's tower, then back to Dorian, who was still staring at her expectedly.

" _How_ do you know this, though?" she finally asked him.

The mage leaned back in his chair once more, his head turning slightly to look out the window behind him. "I'm from Tevinter, Cupcake. There, you never see a speck of anything remotely loving, aside from the occasional lucky pair. The Commander may not have a lot of words to spout about your situation, but actions speak louder than. That is something known across every territory."

"Are you saying it's up to me, then?" Arian replied.

Dorian shrugged, his nose twitching. "It depends if you want to secure a future with him, Cupcake. I can't tell you what to decide. It'd be most rewarding however to finally see you two swapping spit instead of circling each other like lost puppy dogs."

Arian contemplated this for a moment. Even if what Dorian had said wasn't true, she supposed it wouldn't hurt to try and figure out what Cullen's issue was behind the two of them. With a confidence she didn't know she had, she decided in that span of thought what to do. She would go talk with him, explain how she felt. If he rejected her, at least she could say she had tried.

"Thank you Dorian," she said, moving to leave. "I think…I think I'll go have a word with him."

The man smiled at her, genuinely, it would seem. "Oh I do look forward to the wedding, Inquisitor," he responded with a hint of pleased snark.

* * *

Arian couldn't stop smiling, in fact her cheeks were starting to hurt because of it. She never expected this, that he'd…that Cullen would feel the same way she did. Yet here they walked along the battlements with interlaced hands after they had shared a rather interesting first kiss, Cullen glancing down at her every now and then with his own shy smile. After some time they stopped, looking out toward the span of mountains beyond Skyhold.

"I…um," Arian murmured, turning to place her hands on Cullen's chest plate. He let out a breathy chuckle, his hand coming up to twist around a strand of hair near her ear before running delicately over the pointed shell.

"You what?" he asked softly, his lips turned up in a smirk.

Arian looked downward, her cheeks flushing. Gods, it were though she were some youth again from the way she reacted.

"I…this is nice," she said in a tiny voice.

"I think so too," he replied in earnest, his hands moving down to settle on her waist.

She knew she was going to regret what came to mind next, but she couldn't stop it from passing through her lips.

"So, it never bothered you, then?"

Cullen looked at her in confusion. "What never bothered me?" he questioned.

She took a deep breath. "That I'm…you know…" then paused, hoping he'd catch on.

"…that you're an elf?" he finished, his brow quirking.

Arian sighed. "Yes, that."

Cullen stared at her for a while, and deep in the pit of her gut she knew she'd just initiated the first strike in their barely budding relationship. But to her surprise he just smiled, bringing her closer to him and nuzzling her forehead with his own, causing butterflies to erupt in her stomach.

"I've never seen you differently, Arian. Well, I mean aside from this way," he said, kissing her brow. "So no, it didn't-doesn't, bother me."

She breathed softly, her eyes closing in a sort of relief. "That's good to know," she whispered.

"You sound surprised."

The elf shook her head. "It's…foolish…but, I just figured-"

"I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever met; inside and out," Cullen responded, catching her off-guard. She suddenly felt breathless, her eyes flying upward to meet his. The tawny brown in them were glazed over with some emotion, one she wasn't sure needed to be named.

"Cullen…" she breathed.

He gently cupped her cheeks then, bringing her face to his and carefully molding their lips together. She sighed into his mouth, her fingers coming up to knot in the curly hair at the base of his neck; something she found she was beginning to _really_ enjoy.

"I never expected to find this here...to find _you_ here," he murmured softly, brushing his lips across hers before pecking them once more. "But I'm not complaining. Not in the slightest."

She smiled like a girl in love for the first time - and perhaps that _was_ the case, resting her head against the front of his cloak and letting out a contented sigh.

"And neither am I."


End file.
